I hope you don’t mind my blog taking a change of direction and being about how I feel, rather than my BR.  A lot of you have said how cathartic writing everything down is, so I thought I’d give it a go. 

I’m 33 years old, and for the first time in my life I’m scared.  I don’t mean scared as in not wanting to go to the dentist or because I’ve seen a spider, but I’m scared I’m going to lose my mum.  She had flu before Christmas, but this has left her with terrible pains in her shoulders, so bad she can’t sleep, and even has problems getting dressed. 

The doctor thought that mum had polymyalgia, but the blood tests came back clear.  She’s got all the symptoms – pain in her arms, unable to sleep, night sweats, depression, lack of appetite – but the doctor can’t treat her until they know what’s wrong.  Mum was given strong painkillers, but she can’t take them as they made her very sick.  She’s back on paracetomol, but this isn’t really doing anything for the pain. 

The thing that really scares me is the way mum has been talking – she can understand why people commit suicide if they have constant pain, and she can’t go on for however long she has left (her words) as she is.  She’s got another appointment with the doctor on Monday, but I don’t know what she’ll do if they can’t do something to help her.  I know mum has been very lonely since my dad died ten years ago, but I’ve never heard her talk like that before. 

I don’t know what I can do for her, partly because she won’t let me.  I’ve offered to walk the dog, but because I won’t do it at 7am in the morning I know she’ll do it anyway.  I offered to get some shopping for her, and she asked me to get a couple of things and then went herself the next morning and got the rest herself!  She might be 77, but she’s fiercely independent.  My dad had Multiple Sclerosis and she nursed him for 20 years until he died of cancer.  She then looked after her friend and her elderly neighbour until they died.  She’s good at looking after other people, but a lousy patient herself! 

To be honest, this sort of thing puts everything into perspective – it makes me realise that despite all my worrying about my debts, my IVA and being bankrupt nothing is more important than your family and health.   

Life is too short to worry, so I would say to anyone reading this – if you are in debt take steps to sort yourself out, and if you’re in an IVA or BR, be thankful that you have a second chance, and the chance to enjoy the rest of your life.

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